it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
