Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
this just has baby written all over it
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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