someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just forgot I was standing up.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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