You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
