I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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