Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
