why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize