i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
