I puked a lego.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
