I just made out with a guy for $7.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
