you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
