I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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