Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
