i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
