im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
