You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
