She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
