I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I party with great urgency now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
