I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
