JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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