Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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