your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
