a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
