Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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