i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We got so high we made milksteak
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
