I'm so fucking centered right now
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
