Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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