It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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