fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
