what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
