In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
