Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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