My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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