From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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