I think I won the penis lottery.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
