I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
