how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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