community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
