Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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