You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
