I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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