i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
