There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
