YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
