Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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