Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
