I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
