The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
