I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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