We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
