Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
