If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
