And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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