It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
