would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize