I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
