I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
