she woke up with a sticky ear
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
