Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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