How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
