I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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