so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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