toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
