Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
