He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
